Diet food

I laugh at the thought of "diet food." Truly, if you need something that is especially for dieting you are welcoming disaster. Think about it. The first 3 letters of the word diet are die! That is what diet food makes me feel like I am doing. Dying! I have been on and off this diet roller coaster since 8th grade when my aunt so sweetly told me I was fat, I wore size 12 slim (in girls) jeans at the time and I was fat. Since that day I have seen myself as fat. My first year of high school I thought I was HUGE in size 5 or 7 jeans. That was way to big I need to be in a size 1 or even better 0. I would try dieting and fail than try again and each time I would fail I would add more weight then when I started. One day, I just gave up and decided that the only rule I would have is to never be over 175 lbs. and when I broke that rule I told myself it was okay as long as I was never over 200 lbs. Well guess what I hit that mark too. I stopped walking to school or anywhere else for that matter. I stopped spending time outside in the sun and fresh air and started hiding in my dark bedroom or in front of a computer looking online at NOTHING for hours. (Little has changed really).

I know now that after each battle long I was setting myself up to lose again. I thought well I will diet on just this or that. I take away any thing I thought as bad which included everything but coffee, apples and water. I lived off my diet food for a month. Yes, yes I lost weight but I started thinking that it was not enough. I had worked out an hour a day, the days that I could muster up the energy. I tried to gain an eating disorder. I just thought those girls were so lucky to be that thin and I am such a failure! After that month I gave in again. I found out a few things it that time though.

First, is that starving yourself does nothing more than make you mean (and I was already mean to begin with), tired all the time (which again since hitting puberty I could not last a full day without a nap), disconnected from the real world, and you are empty (yes literary but also in your heart and mind). The next thing I learned is that I could go hours without a snack. It was sad that I had to learn that that way, but I found I didn't have to have this or that every 30 minutes. I found that I could go outside of my confront zone and I would find new things. The last thing I found out is that not matter how hard I tried to lose the weight and not eat, food was always on my mind.

I decided after that fun that I would find a way to diet that worked for me even if it didn't work for everyone else. I needed to get out of this bad relationship with food. I researched all the fad diets, I looked into the "diet food" meal plans and even tried diet pills. Nothing seemed to be right for me. I hated all of it, but now I realized I did nothing but hate myself for that whole it.

I fought what is me. I know now that I am lazy, but you get me outside and I will run around until I am blue in the face. I know now that I like to eat but that I like the healthier foods. I just was again to lazy to get off my butt and make them. Now I want to try to make that new thing even if it is only me eating it. I know that I may never be a size 0 but at least I am a size happy with my flaws and everything that makes me the chubby me. Yes, I am trying to change it all but because I want to see if I can hit that mark the same way I did way back when but this time it will be, I am fine in a size 14 but I would be healthier in a size 7.

PS I know that I was stupid but to learn from a mistake you must make it first

Back from Cali

I was in my home town of Redlands, California. I wen about he city in wonder and awe. I missed it all so much. I have found that after 4 days that I felt the same way I did when i left the first time sad yes but happy the be moving onto better things. The highlights of the trip had to be the trip to the Grey Stone Mansion in Beverly Hills. Frankly that whole day was great we, myself and my friend Daniel, went to the mansion then walked Hollywood Blvd. We wandered the Hollywood and Highland complex and went to the LA Natural History Museum. That was a great day! I got to see my cousin as well. I also went to the Kimberly Crst Mansion in Redlands. If you have not seen it you should go it is SO peaceful.

Now all that being said I should tell you that I really did not fallow my diet, BUT (big but for a reason) since I was no a budget I ate with great care. I did have pizza and fatty foods but I limited the rest of my intake for the day if I did eat something bad. I also climbed many stairs and did a lot of walking that I normaly do NOT do so I in turn lost almost all the weight I put back on in the weeks prior. I went from 210 back to 206. I know that is not saying much since that was my starting weight BUT it still says a lot for walking and self control.

If I can control myself in Cali where I love o eat everything than I should be able to bring that lesson back here and so we will see if the moderation diet works LOL. I guess really it is the fear of emptying the bank amount diet.

I do have to say as a side note a few things. Californian seemed to have a juice place right next to every Sarbucks now. Chilis has become the Starbucks of the sit down resturant. I love being able to have water right out of the tap and not worry about the bad things in it. I didn't mind being the fat girl in LA I felt that I could enjoy food more really. Here there are skinny people but egad in LA you are a stick or you are nothing. I like being ingored every once in a while. More chance for me o draw attention some other way.

Californians also take speeding to a whole new level. I could go the speed limit in the slow lane or I would have been ran over. It was crazy, not missing that for sure! Okay so that is it sorry for all the crazy ranting.

Have a happy healthy day!

PS If you are ever in Redlands I know all the great places to eat so ask and I will give you he 411!!

This is my life

This is my life a journey not only for the standard things but my weight loss to become healthier and to be able to get pregnant.

I am going to be very honest and frank for this first blog. I hope that someone can benefit from this. It may be a long one though.

It all started a few years ago when I met the man of my dreams (but all stories start like this?). Any way I had been online on myspace of all places looking at people in my area. I found a man that had this picture of him looking over his shoulder at the camera, all the other pictures were of Superman and such, but I looked at that picture I thought this is the man for me. One picture and I knew. I started talking to him via emails and then the phone than finally he can to my house one very late night. Two days later I traveled 90 miles and stayed with him for the weekend. It was fast and I was so surprised I trusted this person so much. Every week that we had days off he would stay with me or I would go and stay with him. This went on for a few month and I decided I wanted the long distance part to be over so I planned on getting a job out there and he decided to look for a job out here, and guess who got a job where.

We ended up moving into an apartment only a few miles from work and decided to just to have children. Before we moved out I started having trouble with lack of period. From November to Janurary there was nothing. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test all negative. I am one of those people that fear the doctor and so I just thought oh I got my period in Januray I am fine now. So time went on and I had my period on and off, it was never really that normal to begin with.

The first year went by and the summer was the same as the winter before. I lacked a period and thought I was finaly going to get to hae a child with the man I loved, but the same results. I went to a doctor and she tested my hormones. I did have a yeast infection but the hormones are perfect. I took it as there was just something else like my weight and of course I felt horrible. My weight went up and down.

Now I am back to no period (minus spotting) and I am trying to lose the weight for good this time. I am looking for a doctor that is going to do no than say you are fine and walk me out the door.

That is were I am now. I am trying to find myself in all of this. I feel like I have never really done things for me before now. I am going to try my hardest to lose 80 lbs. In one year. So we will see!

Here are some of the only full body pictures I have