3.6.09
Weight loss update
Ok so I have been very bad. I was going to the gym almost everyday for a month. I had lost about 5 lbs but than I stopped. I have just lost a bit of hope. I keep yo yo ing. Up and down. So I am now dieting and doing working out. So we will see
24.4.09
Betrayed!
Before I get into all the things I am feeling I want to say I finished the Duggar book! It was Great. I really want to read it again. It has some get advise and it is great to see that they have the same kind of life as anyone else.
That being said I have turned a new leaf in life. I have decided to finally make good with my maker. I just feel that maybe that is the better step at this moment!
This is about the feelings I feel about a person and I feel by getting it off my chest I will feel better.
Last year right around this time I had a friend get in contact with me. I use to work with her and still talked here and there. She was calling because she had just gotten kicked out of her mother's home and needed a place to live. I talked with my husband (who was just my fiance at the time) and he agreed to take her into our home until she got on her feet.
We never really talked about the details of money in the beginning we just said please bring what you have and we will help until you find a job. For that time of three months a few things happened. She started out strong looking for a job every day. Applying anywhere she could. After about a week it became "I will do it tomorrow" or "I am waiting on a call." We did have good times and she helped teach me to drive, I just wanted to finally. The first month was over and nothing had happened.
She did how ever get a check for $300 or so for the last job she was at. She had agreed after paying her insurance on her car she would put a bit to the house. She paid the insurance ($98 before taxes) and than the rest disappeared. I felt so let down that she had gone back on her word but I have faith that she would get a job SOON.
The second month started and we ended up running into some car troubles. Thanks be to God she was there to help. Thanks to her my husband and I got to work on time and didn't have to wait for the bus in the HOT Mojave Sun. That month I let the whole paying the rent part go until she started asking for gas money. Yes we were using her car but she was using our Gas, Water, Power, Food and CABLE for free. She would sit in her room ALL day and have the TV on ever if she was doing something else or sleeping. She also would be online ALL the time chatting up guys and trying to get another boyfriend ASAP.
I felt that she could put a little more effort in job hunting and less on guys we would be good. At last she got a job. I good full time job. It was not easy but it would help her a lot! The first few days I barely saw her. She would leave before me and got home and went straight to bed. I felt bad that she was being worked so hard but she was getting great overtime. In the first week she got at least 40 hours!
I thought Praise God she is on the right path. Since her moving in we had had to borrow money from my parents just the keep everything on and we were still behind. The end of the first week came and she got a day off. We spend it talking and just relaxing. She told me of her pains and how she felt over worked. I told her to just wait it out and she would find something better than she could have that job under her belt and have some money to pay bills (she had a cell phone and the insurance to pay as well as the debt to us.) and to enjoy the good things in life again.
I had also started looking for a new job during that time. I had been demoted do to corporate wanting to relocate my position. I sent her resume right after mine on every job in the hope one of use could have a better job. The next day she went to work and was at the house when I got there. She had been fired after asking for an extra day off (according to her). Now mind you I had worked with her and I knew her work ethic so I still doubt the reason.
She lost that job and we were back to the beginning again. This time she didn't even try to get a job. She sat at home all day or went out and partied with people she had met online. I had grown tired of the excuses and the lies. She had been using men to pay some of her bills and when she got the check for the last job it disappeared again. (40 hrs x 8.50 an hr=340 minus taxes and still she was "broke.")
My husband and I talked and decided to give her a choice get a job and pay us back for the last three months or leave. She started staying at her new "boyfriend's" house and we could never talk her when we were together. He got tired of waiting and just told her. She decided to move in with her boyfriend.
She than stopped talking to me and talked badly about me with her friends.
Now cut to today. I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years with NO luck and I am 5'6" 200 lbs and still no period. But she is 5'5" 240 lbs and she is 5 months pregnant. I feel like God has gifted her with his biggest blessing and I have nothing but heartache and pain.
I do feel better not that I have that off my chest.
That being said I have turned a new leaf in life. I have decided to finally make good with my maker. I just feel that maybe that is the better step at this moment!
This is about the feelings I feel about a person and I feel by getting it off my chest I will feel better.
Last year right around this time I had a friend get in contact with me. I use to work with her and still talked here and there. She was calling because she had just gotten kicked out of her mother's home and needed a place to live. I talked with my husband (who was just my fiance at the time) and he agreed to take her into our home until she got on her feet.
We never really talked about the details of money in the beginning we just said please bring what you have and we will help until you find a job. For that time of three months a few things happened. She started out strong looking for a job every day. Applying anywhere she could. After about a week it became "I will do it tomorrow" or "I am waiting on a call." We did have good times and she helped teach me to drive, I just wanted to finally. The first month was over and nothing had happened.
She did how ever get a check for $300 or so for the last job she was at. She had agreed after paying her insurance on her car she would put a bit to the house. She paid the insurance ($98 before taxes) and than the rest disappeared. I felt so let down that she had gone back on her word but I have faith that she would get a job SOON.
The second month started and we ended up running into some car troubles. Thanks be to God she was there to help. Thanks to her my husband and I got to work on time and didn't have to wait for the bus in the HOT Mojave Sun. That month I let the whole paying the rent part go until she started asking for gas money. Yes we were using her car but she was using our Gas, Water, Power, Food and CABLE for free. She would sit in her room ALL day and have the TV on ever if she was doing something else or sleeping. She also would be online ALL the time chatting up guys and trying to get another boyfriend ASAP.
I felt that she could put a little more effort in job hunting and less on guys we would be good. At last she got a job. I good full time job. It was not easy but it would help her a lot! The first few days I barely saw her. She would leave before me and got home and went straight to bed. I felt bad that she was being worked so hard but she was getting great overtime. In the first week she got at least 40 hours!
I thought Praise God she is on the right path. Since her moving in we had had to borrow money from my parents just the keep everything on and we were still behind. The end of the first week came and she got a day off. We spend it talking and just relaxing. She told me of her pains and how she felt over worked. I told her to just wait it out and she would find something better than she could have that job under her belt and have some money to pay bills (she had a cell phone and the insurance to pay as well as the debt to us.) and to enjoy the good things in life again.
I had also started looking for a new job during that time. I had been demoted do to corporate wanting to relocate my position. I sent her resume right after mine on every job in the hope one of use could have a better job. The next day she went to work and was at the house when I got there. She had been fired after asking for an extra day off (according to her). Now mind you I had worked with her and I knew her work ethic so I still doubt the reason.
She lost that job and we were back to the beginning again. This time she didn't even try to get a job. She sat at home all day or went out and partied with people she had met online. I had grown tired of the excuses and the lies. She had been using men to pay some of her bills and when she got the check for the last job it disappeared again. (40 hrs x 8.50 an hr=340 minus taxes and still she was "broke.")
My husband and I talked and decided to give her a choice get a job and pay us back for the last three months or leave. She started staying at her new "boyfriend's" house and we could never talk her when we were together. He got tired of waiting and just told her. She decided to move in with her boyfriend.
She than stopped talking to me and talked badly about me with her friends.
Now cut to today. I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years with NO luck and I am 5'6" 200 lbs and still no period. But she is 5'5" 240 lbs and she is 5 months pregnant. I feel like God has gifted her with his biggest blessing and I have nothing but heartache and pain.
I do feel better not that I have that off my chest.
21.4.09
Letting it go
Last night I was so angry. I was angry that my husband had not put away dinner he just played a video game all night and pushed everything back until today. I had no clean under clothes, towels or dishes on top of dinner. I was so upset but I realized that I had not done these things either. I had to focus that anger to forget it. To blame my husband I would have to blame myself as well.
I feel right now that my husband is doing little. I have to do every thing from cleaning to cooking and taking care of the dogs. Do I really want to let children suffer not having a father because he is to busy with a video game to go outside and play or to take them to sports or dance. I feel that right now this is my time to help him let go of the childish things that he still does just as I have let go of that anger that is doing nothing but stressing me out and blinding me from the good in the world.
I think I am finally finding that person that I feel I need to be. I think that that will help me to become a mother.
I feel right now that my husband is doing little. I have to do every thing from cleaning to cooking and taking care of the dogs. Do I really want to let children suffer not having a father because he is to busy with a video game to go outside and play or to take them to sports or dance. I feel that right now this is my time to help him let go of the childish things that he still does just as I have let go of that anger that is doing nothing but stressing me out and blinding me from the good in the world.
I think I am finally finding that person that I feel I need to be. I think that that will help me to become a mother.
20.4.09
Diet food
I laugh at the thought of "diet food." Truly, if you need something that is especially for dieting you are welcoming disaster. Think about it. The first 3 letters of the word diet are die! That is what diet food makes me feel like I am doing. Dying! I have been on and off this diet roller coaster since 8th grade when my aunt so sweetly told me I was fat, I wore size 12 slim (in girls) jeans at the time and I was fat. Since that day I have seen myself as fat. My first year of high school I thought I was HUGE in size 5 or 7 jeans. That was way to big I need to be in a size 1 or even better 0. I would try dieting and fail than try again and each time I would fail I would add more weight then when I started. One day, I just gave up and decided that the only rule I would have is to never be over 175 lbs. and when I broke that rule I told myself it was okay as long as I was never over 200 lbs. Well guess what I hit that mark too. I stopped walking to school or anywhere else for that matter. I stopped spending time outside in the sun and fresh air and started hiding in my dark bedroom or in front of a computer looking online at NOTHING for hours. (Little has changed really).
I know now that after each battle long I was setting myself up to lose again. I thought well I will diet on just this or that. I take away any thing I thought as bad which included everything but coffee, apples and water. I lived off my diet food for a month. Yes, yes I lost weight but I started thinking that it was not enough. I had worked out an hour a day, the days that I could muster up the energy. I tried to gain an eating disorder. I just thought those girls were so lucky to be that thin and I am such a failure! After that month I gave in again. I found out a few things it that time though.
First, is that starving yourself does nothing more than make you mean (and I was already mean to begin with), tired all the time (which again since hitting puberty I could not last a full day without a nap), disconnected from the real world, and you are empty (yes literary but also in your heart and mind). The next thing I learned is that I could go hours without a snack. It was sad that I had to learn that that way, but I found I didn't have to have this or that every 30 minutes. I found that I could go outside of my confront zone and I would find new things. The last thing I found out is that not matter how hard I tried to lose the weight and not eat, food was always on my mind.
I decided after that fun that I would find a way to diet that worked for me even if it didn't work for everyone else. I needed to get out of this bad relationship with food. I researched all the fad diets, I looked into the "diet food" meal plans and even tried diet pills. Nothing seemed to be right for me. I hated all of it, but now I realized I did nothing but hate myself for that whole it.
I fought what is me. I know now that I am lazy, but you get me outside and I will run around until I am blue in the face. I know now that I like to eat but that I like the healthier foods. I just was again to lazy to get off my butt and make them. Now I want to try to make that new thing even if it is only me eating it. I know that I may never be a size 0 but at least I am a size happy with my flaws and everything that makes me the chubby me. Yes, I am trying to change it all but because I want to see if I can hit that mark the same way I did way back when but this time it will be, I am fine in a size 14 but I would be healthier in a size 7.
PS I know that I was stupid but to learn from a mistake you must make it first
I know now that after each battle long I was setting myself up to lose again. I thought well I will diet on just this or that. I take away any thing I thought as bad which included everything but coffee, apples and water. I lived off my diet food for a month. Yes, yes I lost weight but I started thinking that it was not enough. I had worked out an hour a day, the days that I could muster up the energy. I tried to gain an eating disorder. I just thought those girls were so lucky to be that thin and I am such a failure! After that month I gave in again. I found out a few things it that time though.
First, is that starving yourself does nothing more than make you mean (and I was already mean to begin with), tired all the time (which again since hitting puberty I could not last a full day without a nap), disconnected from the real world, and you are empty (yes literary but also in your heart and mind). The next thing I learned is that I could go hours without a snack. It was sad that I had to learn that that way, but I found I didn't have to have this or that every 30 minutes. I found that I could go outside of my confront zone and I would find new things. The last thing I found out is that not matter how hard I tried to lose the weight and not eat, food was always on my mind.
I decided after that fun that I would find a way to diet that worked for me even if it didn't work for everyone else. I needed to get out of this bad relationship with food. I researched all the fad diets, I looked into the "diet food" meal plans and even tried diet pills. Nothing seemed to be right for me. I hated all of it, but now I realized I did nothing but hate myself for that whole it.
I fought what is me. I know now that I am lazy, but you get me outside and I will run around until I am blue in the face. I know now that I like to eat but that I like the healthier foods. I just was again to lazy to get off my butt and make them. Now I want to try to make that new thing even if it is only me eating it. I know that I may never be a size 0 but at least I am a size happy with my flaws and everything that makes me the chubby me. Yes, I am trying to change it all but because I want to see if I can hit that mark the same way I did way back when but this time it will be, I am fine in a size 14 but I would be healthier in a size 7.
PS I know that I was stupid but to learn from a mistake you must make it first
18.4.09
Back from Cali
I was in my home town of Redlands, California. I wen about he city in wonder and awe. I missed it all so much. I have found that after 4 days that I felt the same way I did when i left the first time sad yes but happy the be moving onto better things. The highlights of the trip had to be the trip to the Grey Stone Mansion in Beverly Hills. Frankly that whole day was great we, myself and my friend Daniel, went to the mansion then walked Hollywood Blvd. We wandered the Hollywood and Highland complex and went to the LA Natural History Museum. That was a great day! I got to see my cousin as well. I also went to the Kimberly Crst Mansion in Redlands. If you have not seen it you should go it is SO peaceful.
Now all that being said I should tell you that I really did not fallow my diet, BUT (big but for a reason) since I was no a budget I ate with great care. I did have pizza and fatty foods but I limited the rest of my intake for the day if I did eat something bad. I also climbed many stairs and did a lot of walking that I normaly do NOT do so I in turn lost almost all the weight I put back on in the weeks prior. I went from 210 back to 206. I know that is not saying much since that was my starting weight BUT it still says a lot for walking and self control.
If I can control myself in Cali where I love o eat everything than I should be able to bring that lesson back here and so we will see if the moderation diet works LOL. I guess really it is the fear of emptying the bank amount diet.
I do have to say as a side note a few things. Californian seemed to have a juice place right next to every Sarbucks now. Chilis has become the Starbucks of the sit down resturant. I love being able to have water right out of the tap and not worry about the bad things in it. I didn't mind being the fat girl in LA I felt that I could enjoy food more really. Here there are skinny people but egad in LA you are a stick or you are nothing. I like being ingored every once in a while. More chance for me o draw attention some other way.
Californians also take speeding to a whole new level. I could go the speed limit in the slow lane or I would have been ran over. It was crazy, not missing that for sure! Okay so that is it sorry for all the crazy ranting.
Have a happy healthy day!
PS If you are ever in Redlands I know all the great places to eat so ask and I will give you he 411!!
Now all that being said I should tell you that I really did not fallow my diet, BUT (big but for a reason) since I was no a budget I ate with great care. I did have pizza and fatty foods but I limited the rest of my intake for the day if I did eat something bad. I also climbed many stairs and did a lot of walking that I normaly do NOT do so I in turn lost almost all the weight I put back on in the weeks prior. I went from 210 back to 206. I know that is not saying much since that was my starting weight BUT it still says a lot for walking and self control.
If I can control myself in Cali where I love o eat everything than I should be able to bring that lesson back here and so we will see if the moderation diet works LOL. I guess really it is the fear of emptying the bank amount diet.
I do have to say as a side note a few things. Californian seemed to have a juice place right next to every Sarbucks now. Chilis has become the Starbucks of the sit down resturant. I love being able to have water right out of the tap and not worry about the bad things in it. I didn't mind being the fat girl in LA I felt that I could enjoy food more really. Here there are skinny people but egad in LA you are a stick or you are nothing. I like being ingored every once in a while. More chance for me o draw attention some other way.
Californians also take speeding to a whole new level. I could go the speed limit in the slow lane or I would have been ran over. It was crazy, not missing that for sure! Okay so that is it sorry for all the crazy ranting.
Have a happy healthy day!
PS If you are ever in Redlands I know all the great places to eat so ask and I will give you he 411!!
10.4.09
Heart burn and food
Day 1: So I got a little heart burn again today. I got it yesterday when I was cleaning the floors of the house. I have been eating my five a day for sure today. I had a fruit and cheese snacker for breakfast, a banana, apple and some whole wheat pasta w/ roasted garlic tomato sauce (heart burn starter) for lunch and I plan on making some veggie chicken rolls for dinner. So eating better yay!
So for working out I am dropping off my husband off at karaoke than off to the gym for me as well. His class is an hour so an hour of jogging yay! I need to start going more so today is the first step. Sadly he doesn't have class on the weekend so we will not be able to do this again tomorrow but I think I will be going some way.
I leave for California Monday so I will have to figure out what to do there but I will be taking lots of pictures and video! YAY! Almost time to pack too.
So enough random banter...
So for working out I am dropping off my husband off at karaoke than off to the gym for me as well. His class is an hour so an hour of jogging yay! I need to start going more so today is the first step. Sadly he doesn't have class on the weekend so we will not be able to do this again tomorrow but I think I will be going some way.
I leave for California Monday so I will have to figure out what to do there but I will be taking lots of pictures and video! YAY! Almost time to pack too.
So enough random banter...
9.4.09
The duggars
Ok I am a bit on the crazy side about this huge family. I am not like most who think they are insane. I actually think if it is working for them than go for it. They are not pushing any of their beliefs on me so I have no complaints on that front.
I am a wee bit jealous that a 40 yr old woman can get pregnant again and again and I can't get pregnant once and I am 22 but hey at least I know why I am jealous and I am not crazy about that right? RIGHT?
So the oldest son's wife, Anna, may be pregnant as well. Again ia just so tired of everyone else getting pregnant than me ugg...
Anyway, I love them for the fact they are like very few people they are debt free! I wish so badly that I could be that lucky and since everything is going the way it is in the economy we all could learn from them!
I guess they are my example of a functional family... not a normal family but still they work. I guess that is really about it for me. I would soooo love to meet them but like that will ever happen. LOL
I am a wee bit jealous that a 40 yr old woman can get pregnant again and again and I can't get pregnant once and I am 22 but hey at least I know why I am jealous and I am not crazy about that right? RIGHT?
So the oldest son's wife, Anna, may be pregnant as well. Again ia just so tired of everyone else getting pregnant than me ugg...
Anyway, I love them for the fact they are like very few people they are debt free! I wish so badly that I could be that lucky and since everything is going the way it is in the economy we all could learn from them!
I guess they are my example of a functional family... not a normal family but still they work. I guess that is really about it for me. I would soooo love to meet them but like that will ever happen. LOL
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