Diet food

I laugh at the thought of "diet food." Truly, if you need something that is especially for dieting you are welcoming disaster. Think about it. The first 3 letters of the word diet are die! That is what diet food makes me feel like I am doing. Dying! I have been on and off this diet roller coaster since 8th grade when my aunt so sweetly told me I was fat, I wore size 12 slim (in girls) jeans at the time and I was fat. Since that day I have seen myself as fat. My first year of high school I thought I was HUGE in size 5 or 7 jeans. That was way to big I need to be in a size 1 or even better 0. I would try dieting and fail than try again and each time I would fail I would add more weight then when I started. One day, I just gave up and decided that the only rule I would have is to never be over 175 lbs. and when I broke that rule I told myself it was okay as long as I was never over 200 lbs. Well guess what I hit that mark too. I stopped walking to school or anywhere else for that matter. I stopped spending time outside in the sun and fresh air and started hiding in my dark bedroom or in front of a computer looking online at NOTHING for hours. (Little has changed really).

I know now that after each battle long I was setting myself up to lose again. I thought well I will diet on just this or that. I take away any thing I thought as bad which included everything but coffee, apples and water. I lived off my diet food for a month. Yes, yes I lost weight but I started thinking that it was not enough. I had worked out an hour a day, the days that I could muster up the energy. I tried to gain an eating disorder. I just thought those girls were so lucky to be that thin and I am such a failure! After that month I gave in again. I found out a few things it that time though.

First, is that starving yourself does nothing more than make you mean (and I was already mean to begin with), tired all the time (which again since hitting puberty I could not last a full day without a nap), disconnected from the real world, and you are empty (yes literary but also in your heart and mind). The next thing I learned is that I could go hours without a snack. It was sad that I had to learn that that way, but I found I didn't have to have this or that every 30 minutes. I found that I could go outside of my confront zone and I would find new things. The last thing I found out is that not matter how hard I tried to lose the weight and not eat, food was always on my mind.

I decided after that fun that I would find a way to diet that worked for me even if it didn't work for everyone else. I needed to get out of this bad relationship with food. I researched all the fad diets, I looked into the "diet food" meal plans and even tried diet pills. Nothing seemed to be right for me. I hated all of it, but now I realized I did nothing but hate myself for that whole it.

I fought what is me. I know now that I am lazy, but you get me outside and I will run around until I am blue in the face. I know now that I like to eat but that I like the healthier foods. I just was again to lazy to get off my butt and make them. Now I want to try to make that new thing even if it is only me eating it. I know that I may never be a size 0 but at least I am a size happy with my flaws and everything that makes me the chubby me. Yes, I am trying to change it all but because I want to see if I can hit that mark the same way I did way back when but this time it will be, I am fine in a size 14 but I would be healthier in a size 7.

PS I know that I was stupid but to learn from a mistake you must make it first